"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the more probable explanation is I was made for another world." - C.S. Lewis

At times through my adulthood and late teenage years I have been acutely aware of a longing in my heart that nothing has filled. So what usually ends up happening is I try to fill it or at least numb the pain.

So on days like this I’m just left longing. When nothing much helps. Its part of being alive in a sinfull, fallen world. We were meant for perfection. Instead we get this… Imperfect relationships, unfulifilling work, bordem, disconnection from our Maker.

We’re not in the world intended for us and yet the pain and hurt in this world is the exact that moulds our character. It is during the hardships, the tough times when we learn the most about ourselves. We learn to survive and grow.

Winston Churchill put it like this, "If you’re going through Hell… keep going."

Its midnight, i should have gone to bed long time ago. cat is in a bad mood, she probably wondering why the hell i`m not sleeping. just finished watching sisterhood of the traveling pants 2, one wonders two things…

1) damn! where can i get that soundtrack

2) …and on a more deeper and personal note….i often wonder why love is so difficult. Theres so much heartache and hardship. The people that do find love it is they who are the ones that deserve it cuz to get love sometimes u gotta go through hell! But i think thats just it; if it was easy to achieve and `find` love like a lost coin then one wonders what would be the point of it all. I think i`ve learned an invaluable lesson…I watch these shows like Anne of Green Gables and other fairy-like tales where love just plops into their lap, from whereÉ (um that a question mark long story…). From the sky! well i`ve been wondering alot lately aren`t i under this same skyÉ how come i`m not getting the same product or rather any product (and i say that with sarcasm). I think its like an audition and `love`is the one holding the audition. love only wants only the best actors. The ones that make it are the ones that are both truly talented but also the ones who do the work. Its a tough world out there and i think love knows that. Love works us hard so we can run with the punches when things get really hard. The ones who make it are the dedicated, because love takes dedication, heartbreak, emotion. Our audience are no dummies, they can see through faking and memorizing. In this show there is no acting where lines come out straight and pressured, they instead have to be felt and learned.

So…to the ones who are struggling such as i…i think we`ve got our work cut out for us, because love takes work and we better pull up our sleeves cuz love is gonna put us through hell, whyÉ hmmm maybe cuz love see the future and it looks even more bleak. So love gives us a step at the great divide, so that we don`t have to leap later. Love..he`s quite the teacher. So many lessons to be learned….as i leave with this note…i`ve learned….

Love that is worked for is love that should be cherished, love is not easy because it can`t be. otherwise we would be ungrateful with it. You know just like a child if u were to give him everything he wanted from day 1, if everything was handed to him on a silver platter then he would see no point in working to achieve those same things, because he knew u would just give them to him anyways. `nothing worth fighting for is easy` now if i had thought of that line earlier i would have put it as my title, but what the heck i ain`t no genius. my new basic philosophy is sometimes you have to go through a little hell to fully appreciate heaven. I think the one who understands this the most is God himself i mean the guy put it like this…in 1 Corinthians 13…wait a sec….why don`t i just quote the guy…

and on that note…i`m tired sleepy kitty…oops angry kitty…yikes! never wake angry-sleepy-kitty! goodnight

`No one can diminish you except for yourself.`

-Carmen

`Cars are easy, its people you need a manual for.`

-Greta

This poem has been my favorite for years, for both is simplicity and its ability to say exactly how i feel. It represents me, and it understands me. If you don’t understand it the first time, twice shall do the trick.

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak-
(O my love, O my love)-
Yet a woman’s words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait a while;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown

As you set it down it broke-
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let Thy judgment stand-
Yea, judge me now

This contemned of a man,
This marred one heedless day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away-
Yea, hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand-
I shall not die, but live-
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.

I had a conversation at the breakfast table with a friend of mine. She mentioned her son and is difficulty with fine motor skills such as drawing. And his high unshaken belief that he too was "spider-man."  Her son seem exasperated that "spiderman" could not color in the lines. Hearing this, his mother said said, "honey, why do you feel you have to color in the lines."

Sometimes God sends us little ones such as this 7 years old to understand the bigger lessons in life. They teach us that theres nothing wrong with being different and we should continue to pursue that belief….even if it is spiderman.

Stigma (whether mental, sickness, age or gender) only have the power when you give them that power. Someone once said to me and i quote….

"Its only a stigma if you accept it. You don’t need to own a stigma that you don’t accept.You can choose to look down on yourself, or to feel sad for any of those who look down on you. We have all been created special, every last one of us.Don’t let either of these illnesses get the best of you except momentarily. And then catch yourself and take charge."

from a dear friend

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. "

Jack Kerouac

"Don’t be racist with your laundry, forget about separating darks and whites."

Inspired by my laundry…