so i go back to work tomorrow. work has a way of defining people, making them seem important. It classifies us.It gives us an identity, after we are then branded "teacher, pastor, nurse" and everything else about us fades. "This is my daughter Crystal, she’s a nurse," no more questions need to be asked, all is said to be known. So yes, i’m going back, back to the tiring, exhausting, and yet thrilling days of work. Tomorrows my first day since the hospital. I’m scared, not that i won’t remember something or someone, but that…they will remember me. People talk nowadays. Idle chatter one may call it. Gossip another… Nursing is one of those professions that attracts alot of…as you say…bitches? why God did not make me a man is beyond me…for i do not belong in this body or this society. and yet we make the best of it. so wish me luck friend for i’m off to work.

I’ve been taking my days very slowly, alot has been going on. thankfully my memory is back i would really like to apply for some work, but i’m unsure whether i should be allowed to work right now. I will call my doctor and call my work, tomorrow i’ll print off some resumes, sigh i feel like i have a very pathetic life, no job, 1 cat, 1 fridge full of food, 1 car, no income….sigh

i did some scrapbooking tonight to help with the memory loss. i’ve been given some new furniture. i’m actually typing to you on top of my new coffee table. lucky me my medication has been changed and hopefully my memory loss will come back. I applied for EI today but i’m not sure if i’ll get it since i’m 55 hours short. so we’ll see, my family wants me to go on disability pension but i don’t want to give up my job. thankfully, i’ve inherited a bunch of girly movies which has been keeping my mind busy. the key right now is to stay busy because then ur brain wanders and it dwells on difficult circumstances one is stuck in. anyways its way past my bedtime….goodnight

Feeling slight confused tonight. forgetting things, forgetting people, forgetting faces. i may need to just sleep but my medication has made me slightly off and slightly confused tonight.

i’ve officially been discharged. its quite nice to be back at home again. i’ll probably watch anne of green gables and ponder whether this so called romance is possible now a days or if it truly is a fantasy. then i’ll probably head to bed around 10 or 11pm

my hands are shaking a bit, was a little bit worried about returning to the hospital. a little anxious hopefully i get a good night sleep

So i just started on a new drug Methotrexate, i’ve already dealt with some crazy interactions from other meds and it seems this one interacts with the azathariprine. I often wish i had savored the moments and years before the diagnosis. Its sometimes hard looking back at pictures where make up was not required and utter fatigue was not apparent. anyways i shall wait to speak with my doctor, the derm, the rheum, and pharmacy before i leave…

met with the doctor today, seems i will be discharged pretty soon. kind of worried about my job. but we take one day at a time. anyways its snowing here, its beautiful and whats wonderful is that i’m inside beside the heater. its a beautiful day

Lately i’ve been feeling that my brain is going faster than my mouth. The catch-up is the hardest. It may sound proposterous but i just can’t seem to get enough of the amout of ideas from my head out through my mouth. when you stuck in a hospital, such as i, you discover things about yourself that you’ve never known. Abilities and adaptations that you never though you would be capable of. anyways these are my thoughts for this morning…

Treatments can really suck, esp. when they don’t work. Doctors keep changing the meds hoping one will work and its like this rollercoaster or teetertotter, you go up and down. you have good days and bad days, flare ups and no flare ups. it sucks. Many dermatologists have seen me, many docs have seen me. Everyone’s trying to fix me but Lupus is not something that can be fixed. I just wish they would get it into their thick skulls these two principals:

1. Lupus is incurable its autoimmune meaning its in my DNA. No treatment/ medication unless its a miracle sent from God, will cure it.
2. Read the fricken chart!!!!! I hate telling the same fricken sad story about how got this butterfly rash. I mean my goodness they’re holding the damn chart in their hand. All they have to do crack the book and they’ll get a full history, but they depend on me to tell them it everytime. my goodness imagine if i wasn’t cognitive? Then where would we be?