I’m on a new exciting journey. I have friends excited about going to China, Mexico, Fiji, Disneyworld…and then theres me. I’m excited about moving to …..drumroll…Abbotsford. Unique aren’t i? This is the beginning of a new world. I’ve never lived out of Surrey so this is a new adventure. I move there in a few days. Its a good deal for the amount of square footage but well….it looks like crap. It needs a hell of alot of paint and some major TLC. But this is my kind of thing. my job in life is to take things that are ugly and make them beautiful and that includes myself. so abbey watch out here i come!

Kenneth Westhues, Professor of Sociology, University of Waterloo, 2007

Liberal education requires subjecting as many phenomena as possible to reasoned, disciplined thought. Falling in love is one such phenomenon students often overlook. Knowing they must soon earn a living, they study hard to learn some line of work. Fascinated by nature, they pore over bugs through microscopes and planets through telescopes. Curious about humanity, they take courses in history, social sciences, philosophy and literature. Courses about sex are especially popular.

In advanced old age, my mother was asked by a young woman for advice. "Don’t be afraid to love," Mom said. After her death in 2003 (she lived to celebrate her hundredth birthday), my sister had that quote inscribed on Mom and Dad’s tombstone. They had fallen in love in 1920, got married in 1922, and lived and worked together for the next 48 years. Often, in the decades after Dad’s death, Mom said she thanked God every day for the man she married.

Other students these days harbor a secret openness to falling in love, or even a wish for it, but nonetheless refrain from thinking carefully about what this might entail. They are confident that if and when they are swept away by love, it will be into unending bliss. They should not be so sure. Unending grief is a real possibility. Falling in love is risky, by definition a leap in the dark. That is part of the fun of it. But in this as in all other aspects of life, a little forethought cannot hurt.

Sociology is not, of course, the only discipline by which to grasp what it means to fall in love and to prepare for that possibility. Philosophy, history, and literature all shed much light. No young person should fail to study Shakespeare’s sonnets and plays like Romeo and Juliet. My father left school when he was twelve to work on his family’s farm, missed the chance for systematic learning and relied on what he could pick up here and there. When he was courting my mother, he sent her a postcard with a Shakespeare quote. "If this don’t say it, I don’t know what does," was Dad’s message on the back.

Because students so easily get stuck in the deadening routine of studying only what the curriculum requires, I urge them also to steal time regularly for movies that not only entertain but teach. Renting DVDs is easy and cheap. Who knows which film can best teach a particular student about falling in love? Maybe a Chinese historical drama like The Road Home (2001), maybe the madcap Italian comedy The Tiger and the Snow (2006), the French date movie A Man and a Woman (1966). or the American classic set in revolutionary Russia Doctor Zhivago (1965). In a way intelligible to many of today’s wary youth, Zach Braff’s quirky comedies convey what love means: Garden State (2004), for instance, or The Last Kiss (2006). The important thing is to put making sense of love high on one’s educational agenda, and to search out films that serve this end.

A 2001 study of American women and dating was entitled, "Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right." It makes for dreary reading. Anybody who wants more from life than that, something that excels one’s wildest dreams, should study carefully the distinct phenomenon of falling in love, and be alive to its possibility in one’s own life.

So it looks as if i’m relocating. Moving to abby, whether thats the smartest thing i’m not certain. I’m kind of playing life out like a game of rook or poker. In reality i don’t have a clue as to how to play or i just don’t have the patience to try and figure them out. I’m just kind of playing and hoping for the best. hopefully it will at least be a fun experience if anything.

in a way its hell living alone and in a way i’m thankful, cuz no one can see me cry.

i’ve stayed up all night its been kind of a turmulating day or rather a awful year. sometimes one wonders how many bad things can happen to a person? I mean biblically it says that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. well…God those are high hopes and great expectations but i’m starting to wonder if i can live up to that. I have a problem…er rather many. sigh blog posts like these shouldn’t be allowed, neither should self pity. i’m pathetic. and if ur reading things i’m terribly sorry you are a very kind soul. heres what happened…

 Today i drove myself to VGH. with what you ask? with a crappy (now leaking) ford escort that i drove into a ditch and had not- a- nice- good- looking- guy but an old- but- very- kind- guy push me out. so yes to VGH. why again? so i could meet up with more people that could look at me and ask themselves why i am in the state which i am. They gave me more medication took pictures of my awful looking face and sent me home, thank goodness this time i paid for parking the correct way. Then i drove back and began my search for a new place. I’m planning on moving. I drove to my mothers only to get a lecture that i really should be moving home not into as she says "with strangers," after 30 minutes of arguing and finding that my car is not longer dripping oil because there is simply no more oil in the car, i drove myself to father’s only to be met with the same excited party and same fricken lecture. Thankfully i was a bit quicker in figuring out how this lecture might go, i left 10 minutes later. drove myself the petro canada and filled myself up with oil again (tomorrow i’ll check if theres any in there again…) then i drove to the next place to see for rent. getting there one found that the tenent who is now renting now wasn’t home and couldn’t let me see the place. i drove home to meet my wonderful cat and find out i forgot to pay the rent (with what money eh?) i drove quickly to grab the rent. I knocked on the front door here and was just ready to give them my one months notice and i find that the people’s upstairs their chihuhha (i used to call it the rat now i feel bad sigh) well it died tonight. good timing to give bad news such as ur 1 months notice. of course since i’ve been out of the hospital i’ve been bitchy so i’ve had a hard time of holding my tongue when it needed to be held. anyways i spoke with the landlord and she wants to try and get me into a job at delta hospital which is lovely but if i get the job am i going to in debt to her? hmmm so now i’m worried i’m going to be stuck in the place (which u may think isn’t that bad and it isn’t) but the fact is there are so many memories here and i don’t want to ever think about them again. so now i sit in my empty 2 bedroom basement (thats only used as 1 bedroom anyways) with one sleeping cat and one wide- awake, jobless, sick, nurse. i have a depressing life don’t i?

i’ve become very direct. some may call it aggressive, i call it assertive. theres a particular doctor at work that no one has met or spoken to. some believe he doesn’t actually exist. others argue he’s just not a doctor. nevertheless a certain number of patients call them their GP. one day a particular resident requested a new order for a particular medication. me the nurse at the time needed to call the doctor and see about receiving an order to obtain this particular drug. i called the GP’s office and spoke to the receptionist, she asked me for my name and number and i simply said "whats the point? he’s not going to call me back. whats the point of me giving you a number?" the receptionist was taken aback and simply said "why don’t i give you his direct line?" I called this direct line hoping to speak to this doctor only to be met with another receptionist, who asked for my name and number. I replied "ok..be straight with me. if he’s not going to call me back, just tell me it now cuz i’ll get this lady a new doctor its as simple as that. if he wants to be her GP get him to call me back by the end of today." I received a call 10 minutes later.

My point…sigh whats my point? My point is we have to be straight up with each other, we can’t be beating around the bush. If you don’t like a particular person why hang out with them, tell them straight "hey i don’t really like you." simple as that. it may seem rude, harsh and strangely abrupt but I think thats the only way. I’ve been dating someone that has told me over and over "give it some time…in time we’ll see." lets just be straight up, honestly in several months from now, will you love me? have you ever loved me? is it possible to love me that way? and when those questions can be answered then you can move forward. They should be very simple answers and if their not then is probably not the answer that one wants. keep it simple.

So I had an interesting day today, I now finish off the day 60 bucks short and a hell of alot wiser. Today i drove into vancouver for my appointment, met a few friends, had lunch and drove myself back, the real problem was the parking. I parked myself at St. Pauls paid the change to stay there, walked into my appointment. 20 minutes i walked out only to find that the meter still had change in it and the car was missing. Totally pissed and swearing already, i called the tow company, they said my car hadn’t even arrived yet. I told them it would be much better use of their time if they just towed the damn car back. All they would have to do is turn around. They disagreed. Anyways i had to called Stephen (lucky me! i’m going to have to owe him for this) and he picked me up and too me to the tow yard. I went in drove my car to the front and the lady was like "what do u think ur doing?!" and i was like "i’m taking my car. i have to go to work now to pay for the damn ticket u gave me." anyhow i paid the 63 dollars with as little fuss as possible, made a new friend while paying it. kind of annoyed since people that have had their cars there over night or weeks they pay 63 bucks and i after 2 minutes pay 63 bucks. anyways now i’m poor, but wiser, less happy and thoroughly pissed. it says on the ticket stub that if i pay it early its 45 bucks. i already paid 63 so i’m not sure if i have to pay it again or what. a little confused about that. anyways thanks for listening to my ranting. blood parking!!!

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

 -CS Lewis