"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the more probable explanation is I was made for another world." - C.S. Lewis

At times through my adulthood and late teenage years I have been acutely aware of a longing in my heart that nothing has filled. So what usually ends up happening is I try to fill it or at least numb the pain.

So on days like this I’m just left longing. When nothing much helps. Its part of being alive in a sinfull, fallen world. We were meant for perfection. Instead we get this… Imperfect relationships, unfulifilling work, bordem, disconnection from our Maker.

We’re not in the world intended for us and yet the pain and hurt in this world is the exact that moulds our character. It is during the hardships, the tough times when we learn the most about ourselves. We learn to survive and grow.

Winston Churchill put it like this, "If you’re going through Hell… keep going."

i had the worst dream, and well interesting, sleep a girl could have. i’m sore all over, my mind is scrambled, my eyes are droopy and my kitty is sleepy.

i had this dream….of being in this great house, there were two doors into the main bedroom. Around there were pictures of myself, some good some bad, gorgeous of photos that i was unsure where they were taken but unsure how they got there. anyways 6 of us girls that were much beautiful than me stood in line, i jumped in line just behind the second girl. in some ways i fit right in except my dress was red. a gorgeous red dress. you came down the isle and said, i’ll take the third girl. I couldn’t believe it, you were so handsome in ur sailor, tailored button up jacket. You took me to ur bed which was also in this big grand room, then you left telling me to get ready. Me in my gorgeous dress with my glass slippers. i got ready as fast as i could. then i waited for you to come. it became night time, and you still had not come. I continued to wait. days turned into weeks. soon i got tired and looked out those grand windows, watching the beautiful leaves no turn to snow. the season had changed. and at that moment you walked in, wondering why i had not waited on the bed? I turned to look at you and simply said nothing, i went to u and kissed you. but it was not the same, we had sex that night, kind of a restless sex and you then called out someone else’s name, i didn’t say nothing, I just left. and now i sit in this grand bathroom with all my pictures of a past i should have had. Locked in here weaping wondering  if he’ll ever come and what i will do if he did…

do you ever eavesdrop on peoples lives? read other peoples blogs? look at other peoples pictures? i find myself randomly searching through facebook, watching people’s lives unfold in front of me. its a strange experience to look into lives that you have no part of. Its not that i want to be apart of those lives, I enjoy watching, observing and learning. Watching with a strange jealousy in a way. Wondering why my life is so complicated compared to them. one thinks…i could never do that? how could she take pictures of herself with her bf? and yet i’m strangely jealous of her openness and almost naivity. I think i too crave to be wide open, bare for all to see….eavesdrop a little, u’ll see what i mean…

so i go back to work tomorrow. work has a way of defining people, making them seem important. It classifies us.It gives us an identity, after we are then branded "teacher, pastor, nurse" and everything else about us fades. "This is my daughter Crystal, she’s a nurse," no more questions need to be asked, all is said to be known. So yes, i’m going back, back to the tiring, exhausting, and yet thrilling days of work. Tomorrows my first day since the hospital. I’m scared, not that i won’t remember something or someone, but that…they will remember me. People talk nowadays. Idle chatter one may call it. Gossip another… Nursing is one of those professions that attracts alot of…as you say…bitches? why God did not make me a man is beyond me…for i do not belong in this body or this society. and yet we make the best of it. so wish me luck friend for i’m off to work.

The movie is wonderful it highlights a very important lesson. You may have no one, you may have a shitting job and a hard life, but if you don’t have family that is when you truly have nothing. Theres nothing wrong with being alone, people have done it for years, my mother has done it for years. why can’t i? my grandma (as i quote) "its not good to be alone." the women likes to quote from the bible and honestly, theres nothing wrong with the bible but miracles are the very last thing that are happening to me. yes maybe i’m pitying myself, but i have a right to. I barely have a job, i’m paying high rent, just about to adopt a cat with no money, i have no available suitors, at least none that want to be with me, I have high debts and a crappy father, i have an incurable disease, an ugly face and few friends. What i do have is family. I have family that stick me on a three sometimes 4 way call and ask whether i’m showering or not, if i’ve left the house today. If i’ve heard much from my almost-not-really-sort of bf who can’t decide if he really wants to be with me because i haven’t grown up yet. I have a family that cares about me and really….what more could a girl ask for?

How dangerous is an open heart? That is my question tonight…open heart surgeries can be very dangerous. There is always a chance that the patient will not wake up. Severe loss of blood is likely. an angioplasty may be a simple procedure to some but is life threatening to many. how many of you are will to give an open heart away? Open heart surgery is dangerous and open heart now days can also be dangerous.

Love can have this effect on people. Sometimes i worry that i’m more in love with love itself then in loving someone else. I have loved. I have hurt. I have been hurt. I would much rather be the receiver of the hurt rather than the giver. I’ve put my heart out there. dangling on a limb. theres alot of people that have been hurt that way. I speak from experience, does that mean that we should stop putting our precious heart out there? I know its dangerous. A simple procedure such as an angioplasty is dangerous to do and dangerous to skip. Sometimes one needs to put their heart out and sometimes one can only hold it out there for so long. Open heart…who’s up for it? 

I’ve been taking my days very slowly, alot has been going on. thankfully my memory is back i would really like to apply for some work, but i’m unsure whether i should be allowed to work right now. I will call my doctor and call my work, tomorrow i’ll print off some resumes, sigh i feel like i have a very pathetic life, no job, 1 cat, 1 fridge full of food, 1 car, no income….sigh

i did some scrapbooking tonight to help with the memory loss. i’ve been given some new furniture. i’m actually typing to you on top of my new coffee table. lucky me my medication has been changed and hopefully my memory loss will come back. I applied for EI today but i’m not sure if i’ll get it since i’m 55 hours short. so we’ll see, my family wants me to go on disability pension but i don’t want to give up my job. thankfully, i’ve inherited a bunch of girly movies which has been keeping my mind busy. the key right now is to stay busy because then ur brain wanders and it dwells on difficult circumstances one is stuck in. anyways its way past my bedtime….goodnight

I’m having trouble recalling things. Doctor said thats normal to not recall things after being in a manic phase, but i’m still having memory loss problems. I can’t remember the car accident or why i’m in the hospital or who family members are or whether i live on my own or have brothers and sisters. I’m recalling things in fragments and i’m wondering if i’m doing it on purpose as a coping mechanism. anyways i’m getting some information regarding disability pension etc. i don’t know whats wrong with me, oddly enough i can remember how to get here (to vancouver), i remember my dr. name i remember where my house is. I know my name, where i live, that its feb. 5+3=8, i don’t know whats wrong. my whole LOC is here X 3 person, place, thing etc. why do i feel so confused? am i depressed? unhappy? sad? (well yes i am) still though….what happened to Crystal?

i have been having some trouble again with these new meds. I’m forgetting things, very confused. can’t recognize people, can’t remember where my house is, who or how i know a person. Can’t remember names and have no motivation to do things. i’ve been slightly depressed. i feel like i can’t take care of myself and that worries me. i’m not sure if i’m just forgetting things only after i’ve gotten sick or even if i’m doing it on purpose. i’m terribly confused i believe i only get this way after 9:00 each night but i’m not totally sure about that…