went for a bone scan a few days ago they had to put two needles but they got some good pictures of my bones. cuz i’ve been complaining of hip and knee pain.

so my chemo got cancelled and rescheduled for the 12th

tomorrow i’m going for the cyclophosphmide, basically is chemo 6 hour infusion i’m a little scared but i know God will be with me and my family will be with me too

so it looks like my doctor doesn’t want me to use the elcom because it thins the skin. instead i’m using bactroban its an antibiotic and boy it works well, my face is also clear, so thats exciting for me. i’m gonna see Dr. Dutz in april, can u believe thats how long the wait is i should call and see if there are any cancellations i think i need a new referral. anyways i’m gonna go eat something ttyl

tomorrow i’m going to see janice my gp i’m gonna ask her for elcom cream its a steriod cream and it works wonders for my face. lately i haven’t been feeling so good i got a fever thank God its gone now. i’ve had this cold for like a month and i can’t take anything for it doctors orders. i missed my counseling it was this morning. my face has blistered which is not so good which is why i’m gonna ask janice for the elocom cream. tomorrow i’m also gonna see some family which i’m excited about to.

another doctors appointment for today with Dr. Janice but theirs a 45 minute wait, yikes eh? oh well

went to the lupus clinic at St. Pauls yesterday met with Dr. Reynolds very good doctor. and had lunch with a good friend. all in all a good day

went back to VGH for day treatment. Its basically chemo. but for lupus. went their yesterday, the cyclophosmide took about 6 hours to infuse. then went to Hon’s on robson (good food btw) and came home and the next day went to church exciting life

Well I’ve been in VGH for about a month. I got out just this last Thursday and I’m so happy to be out. They had me on Cylophosmide.  Its a good drug it has even helped with hair regrowth. I had through an IV. Its not a new drug. People use it for chemo for cancer. I’ve been taking a lot of medication. I’m on metropol for my heart because I’m a little tachycardic. prednisone but their lowering it slowly week by week. Friday i pick up more meds. i’m also on clonazapam and olanzapine for sleep. I’m a walking pharmacy lol. I don’t think i’ll be working anymore. I’ve just been enjoying being home.

My life has taken a new direction this last month. For the past 21 years and 20 days I have been on a constant search. I have searched: countries, people, things, animals, possessions and family itself. What is it exactly that I have been looking for you ask?….Love & Acceptance. Sadly that is 21 years and 20 days down the drain cuz i’ve come up empty handed. What I’ve looked for for so long has been indeed with me all along.

I believe this is solely from our esteem…or what we think of ourselves. We bicker and we pick at ourselves. We’re too fat, too thin, too broke, not smart enough, not fast enough. We criticize and berate ourselves over our mistakes. I speak for myself when i rarely take time to focus on my accomplishments rather focusing on the next task ahead. It becomes a treadmill where we rarely get further and yet the speed increases. My question is "where the hell is the destination?!"

Lets look at the terms itself "too much or too little of anything" these mean never enough and thus means there isn’t a destination or at least we’re never gonna reach it. I believe the word in the media right now is "insatiable" or unsatisfied.

And after we’re done critisizing and putting ourselves down over "that lost job," or "that wrong decision," we then go running to people, to possessions, to loved ones…to make us feel better.

We then expect people to pay us compliments, to treat us perfect, to remember those special dates. And when they don’t measure up or cuz they did it out of obligation we get angry. We expect people to do something that we don’t even do for ourselves. It reminds me of this analogy a dear friend once said to me "we like this broken cup no matter how much lovely warm coffee we pour into it, we’ll always come up empty."

I have focused for so long on the perfect, "coffee," with perfect amount of sugar (compliments) the perfect amount of milk (gifts). When in fact I need to fix the damn cup and make myself my own cup of joe!

Love and acceptance comes from within and its time to seize this day, this moment and to start loving ourselves. I totally and completely love and accept myself EXACTLY as I am!

 

 

 

 

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Doctor Seuss