Well I’ve been in VGH for about a month. I got out just this last Thursday and I’m so happy to be out. They had me on Cylophosmide.  Its a good drug it has even helped with hair regrowth. I had through an IV. Its not a new drug. People use it for chemo for cancer. I’ve been taking a lot of medication. I’m on metropol for my heart because I’m a little tachycardic. prednisone but their lowering it slowly week by week. Friday i pick up more meds. i’m also on clonazapam and olanzapine for sleep. I’m a walking pharmacy lol. I don’t think i’ll be working anymore. I’ve just been enjoying being home.

My life has taken a new direction this last month. For the past 21 years and 20 days I have been on a constant search. I have searched: countries, people, things, animals, possessions and family itself. What is it exactly that I have been looking for you ask?….Love & Acceptance. Sadly that is 21 years and 20 days down the drain cuz i’ve come up empty handed. What I’ve looked for for so long has been indeed with me all along.

I believe this is solely from our esteem…or what we think of ourselves. We bicker and we pick at ourselves. We’re too fat, too thin, too broke, not smart enough, not fast enough. We criticize and berate ourselves over our mistakes. I speak for myself when i rarely take time to focus on my accomplishments rather focusing on the next task ahead. It becomes a treadmill where we rarely get further and yet the speed increases. My question is "where the hell is the destination?!"

Lets look at the terms itself "too much or too little of anything" these mean never enough and thus means there isn’t a destination or at least we’re never gonna reach it. I believe the word in the media right now is "insatiable" or unsatisfied.

And after we’re done critisizing and putting ourselves down over "that lost job," or "that wrong decision," we then go running to people, to possessions, to loved ones…to make us feel better.

We then expect people to pay us compliments, to treat us perfect, to remember those special dates. And when they don’t measure up or cuz they did it out of obligation we get angry. We expect people to do something that we don’t even do for ourselves. It reminds me of this analogy a dear friend once said to me "we like this broken cup no matter how much lovely warm coffee we pour into it, we’ll always come up empty."

I have focused for so long on the perfect, "coffee," with perfect amount of sugar (compliments) the perfect amount of milk (gifts). When in fact I need to fix the damn cup and make myself my own cup of joe!

Love and acceptance comes from within and its time to seize this day, this moment and to start loving ourselves. I totally and completely love and accept myself EXACTLY as I am!

 

 

 

 

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Doctor Seuss

Love thy neighbor as urself.

Interesting concept. If you don’t love urself…how the hell r u gonna love other people?

so i’ve had the most emotional rollercoaster of a month. some really nice high parts and awful awful low parts, but i’m calm now. i’m happy to be me. I’m happy to have a cat that still loves me after all of this and for the first time i’m happy to be alone

i’m on a very exhausting and almost scary journey. i have no idea what comes next. health issues, family issues, work issues…sigh just plain issues

I have made the most vital and important discovery of my life! May 14, 2009 is going to be my life’s anniversary!

• Did I find a cure for lupus? hell no lol
• Am I getting off all medications? hell yes
• Am I happy? definately
• Do I hate church? yup
• Do I love God? definately

Wanna know why???

 List of Books to read:

• Search for Significance- Robert S. McGee
• Born Chosen- Mark Witas
• The Bible

so now the update on my hell of a week. lets just say after 2 hospital emergency rushes, several doctors appointments, a hell of alot of medication and no car keys my week has well…been exciting. Lets start at Easter Sunday. I had family over early that day but not until i learned my cell phone was accidently left at apollo. then i met my family who helped me do my flooring, after i sat down to enjoy my evening and read a book. Around 3pm that day the fun started. I began to have chest pain which i simply brushed off until approximately 6pm that night. Awful, stabbing, 9/10 chest pain. I called the nurse line wondering what the hell it could be, called a friend to take me to the MSA hospital (which if u’ve been to my place is across the free way from me). I was then admitted and the testing began….the next day after MRI, ultra sound of my kidneys, EKGs, chest x-rays I was sent home. I stayed at my friend’s house because they were worried. The next day I tried to catch up on sleep. Rested up. Two days after my intial hospitalization the chest pain returned. Awful 8/10 pain. My wonderful friends drove me to St. Pauls Hospital. Entered through emergency and stayed there until around 2pm. Again testing…EKGs, CT scans (which took a fricken long time), Chest x-rays, blood work, ultra sound of my heart, two awful IV’s in the same arm (yes to those who want pics lol) and then i was released with not a clue as to what the chest pain could be from. Visited several doctors (i know have them all on speed dial). Was told by one i can’t live alone, can’t work, can’t drive. My keys were taken away from me. Had a mild run in with my mother. Started crying and that same time i had an awful spastic attack in my hands. You know the feeling one gets when you sit on your leg too long? I got that in all 4 extremities. Tingling, numbness. hands hurt alot the next day. I started researching….checked my medications (Cellcept & Prednisone). Checked with pharmacy. Was diagnosed with Costiochondritis a few days later. Seemed too easy. continued to research…hmm cellcept has alot of side effects with the heart. Checked several pharmacisits, internet, textbooks….still wondering…took a week to relax in merrit since doctors were now avoiding my calls. Caught up on sleep since i wasn’t sleeping after getting of the seroquel (which is from the last episode i had in the hospital due to medications). In merrit i learned i get dizzy in vehicles (as the passenger), extremly nauseous, awful headaches, diarrhea. Researched. called the Cellcept and FDA drug admin. Did a quick report on my side effects and sent it to the FDA to be logged. Today April 30th, went in for another appointment and am finally tapering off the Cellcept.

Was it the Cellcept or Costiochondritis? I’ll never know…do you?

I have decided today that suicide will never be an issue for me from this day forward. If i didn’t commit suicide this last week i’ll probably never will.

I have had a hell of a rollercoaster with my health. this has been one fricken bad easter i can’t exactly write about whats going on because i don’t want people to worry when its over i’ll explain….

life after lupus and forever with it. i went to a concert on Beauty and the Beast the first one in BC ever actually. beautiful show but i couldn’t help thinking how in more ways then one i was the beast and theres no one but my cat volunteering for the beauty…